rain, rain

Here we are, well into Spring, and nary a sunbeam to show for it. Sucks. In fact, it's been such a long, dreary week, that I've begun to do things I generally avoid. Falling asleep during class, for one. Few things are more jarring than waking to the whine of, "Ms. C---, is it only Judaisms who have a foreskin?"

Have you ever thought about what life would be like if you said exactly what you thought every moment of the day? I would be jobless. And friendless. And single.

The Rog-isms, part II

Today I realized that children are basically bush-league adults deemed too delicate to be the recipients of your actual opinions. This revelation has not been conducive to generosity or wit, so I'll once again exploit The Rog and his endless supply of clever. Special thanks goes out to my little brother, Keb'm, for his very helpful contributions.

The Rog-isms, part II. Sorted thematically for your convenience.

Having to do with hair or fur

• Like a hair in a biscuit. (Apply to anything unwanted.)

• Fine as fur on a frog's butt. (Very fine. Sometimes foot is substituted for butt. Depends on the company and your fondness for alliteration.)

Having to do with the probable outcome of fisticuffs

• You'd rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass in a telephone booth than mess with me. (An obvious reference to physical prowess.)

• I'll slap the taste out of his mouth. (Never seen this done, but does the threat not terrify you?)

• I'll kick his ass 'til his nose bleeds. (A vivid mental image.)

• I'll stomp a mud hole in his ass the size of Texas and walk it dry. (This denotes a serious and prolonged ass-kicking.)

Having to do with things being good

• My mama's biscuits are so good, if you put one on top of your head you'd beat your brains out with your tongue trying to get to it. (Clearly, very tasty.)

• Aw, man. It was killer. (Not one of the most clever, but useful in innumerable situations.)

Use discretion as you add these to your repertoire. For instance, using an aphorism from the fisticuffs section with your students is generally frowned upon, no matter how appropriate it may seem at the time.