Technical Difficulties and Ballparks

There are many things I like about our occasional internet-free periods. I read more. I resist the siren songs of online shopping and celebrity gossip. I say things like, "I didn't see your email/comment/status update!" or, "I wasn't able to contact Verizon!" with honesty.

But there are things I do not like. Such as composing lengthy, undoubtedly brilliant blog posts and then losing them because our pirated internet from the hospital down the street has farted out again. I know, I know, this is something I should take care of, but I can't get in touch with Verizon, because all of our information is online, and we don't have internet. So there.

Last Friday, we went to a baseball game. We can actually walk to the park from our apartment, which is fab.

My favorite parts of the evening included the excellent weather:
This gentleman, who knew everything about the history of the team:

(He told us that the O's used to be the "hottest ticket in town." As indicated by the large number of empty seats, this is no longer the case, which is unfortunate. It really is a great way to spend an evening.)

This youth's dangerous struggle with nausea:

Our lofty view:

And this woman's unflagging enthusiasm:

Less enjoyable was the mold on the ketchup dispenser:

I would like to tell you that I did not use this dispenser to procure ketchup for our dessicated hotdogs, but I try not to lie to you. Hey, some molds are beneficial.

I have had sufficient.

So, not having the internets is beginning to wear.

Instead of spending our evenings enjoying the separate togetherness of simultaneous surfing, n.o.c. and I are forced to have conversations about fulfillment, the economy, the efficacy of the great reducing, finances, etc. In these troubled times, such things should really be avoided. I feel certain that one of us will end it all if we have to go another week without the pleasant, numbing distractions of Go Fug Yourself and online poker.

To add insult to injury, whenever we come up with pressing and important questions - like, What happened to the members of Def Leppard? Did that bankruptcy bill pass the house? How many calories are in a pencil eraser? Do Norwegian Forest Cats have a history of attacking humans? - we must simply wait and wonder. Take a moment to process that.

And now I have to blog furtively, while I'm "working." This hasn't been a problem until lately, but with the economy in the sh*tter, folks are getting titchy about spending 22k on a 5th grade education. What can I say? People are cheap. As a result, things around here tense, and activities like blogging, napping, and online shopping are increasingly frowned upon. People have begun to say things like, "Don't forget! Your attendance at the meeting is required!" and "You are talented, creative professionals! Engaging, enthusiastic classroom experiences will help ensure that students love our school!" Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know what these people are smoking, but I'm just here to work on my novel, read nytimes.com, and wear enviable shoes.

I'll let you know as soon as conditions improve. Until then, waste some online time for me.

wheat berries

We're still without internets. It blows, but we just pretend that we live in olden times. We turn off the heat, read our kindles by candlelight, eat rancid meat, and shove greasy rags in the chinks around the door. We've also stopped bathing and brushing our teeth so that we really feel authentic.

In other news, we have a new-found fascination with the wheat berry. (WAIT! Keep reading!) Cook it in the rice cooker, top it with a poached egg, or maybe a little peanut butter and honey, and damn! - you've got yourself a breakfast that is HAR-TAY. Now, if it were merely a hearty breakfast, I wouldn't bother sharing; I'm here to laud other, lesser known properties of the wheat berry.

Wheat berries include every bit of the wheat seed - endosperm, bran, germ, teeth, trachea, ex-boyfriends, running shoes, etc. - so they are very healthy and really f*cking chewy. Half way through a bowl, n.o.c. typically says something like, "I have a cramp in my jaw. It would be easier to chew erasers." Suck it up, p*ssy. Your jawline will look like Johnny Depp's in no time.

Though wheat berries only have four grams of fiber per half cup, you'll also receive emails like this throughout the day:

Something to those wheat berries. I just turned myself inside out.

So, they also add a bit of spice to what could otherwise be an uneventful day of ordinary bowel movements.

Well, that's the end of my paean to the wheat berry. I must now turn my attention to a pile of papers that say things like, "Throughout the years of religion in China, many religious leaders have come along." No sh*t, Sherlock.