an oddlot

So, the upstairs neighbors gave us the grand send-off. I could actually follow the bed's migration across the room, traveling what I can only imagine are well-worn, er, ruts. After an impressive bout, they took a pausa - smoked a few cigarettes, used their bedside crotchfire extinguishers, popped their hip joints back in place, whatever. Not five minutes later, they were at it again. I suppose it's more efficient to f*ck the bed back into place than to drag it across the room.

Anyway, I just packed a box that contained a bundt pan, a pair of swim goggles, and a kappa delta shot glass. The end is nigh.

Daffodilled

This is what you shall do: Make wonderful friends. Give these friends a set of keys to your house. Come home to find these:
Grown in our friends' back yard, these beauties were. I tell you, there is no better way to end a hard week than to find a bunch of daffodils waiting for you on your dining room table. I wish I'd paid for the olfactory blog upgrade - smells just like spring up in here.

And, lo and behold, the sun is shining. All things considered, this morning - with its blue skies and surprise daffodils - is nearly enough to make me a goose of an optimist, waxing on about beauty and light and possibility. Nearly enough, dear reader. Fear not.

AND THE NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING IT ON RIGHT THIS MINUTE - 9:24!!!! The day is indeed perfect!!! The ceiling shakes and the sun shines and the flowers flower!! F*ck it - people are fundamentally good! Children are our precious future! The universe is unfolding as it should! Free-range, organic meats are cruelty free and should be eaten with abandon! Bacon does not clog the arteries! Most people age gracefully! I look better ten pounds heavier! I enjoy listening to the insights of over-privileged children! I don't mind that you didn't use your turn signal! It is sort of fun to be a little bit poor!

a half dozen

1) Limiting our alcohol intake has contributed neither to the great reducing nor to our mood in general. We're done with that shit.

2) P90Xing will give you calves the size of footballs. You won't be able to wear boots or skinny jeans, but you will be able to lift the car with the strength of your calves should the need arise.

3) Being a spectator at a middle and high school poetry recitation is a mixed bag. If you can get past the pain, you can find some funny.

4) My mother witnessed our very loud upstairs neighbors. After staring at the ceiling for a while, she cocked an eyebrow and quipped, "You know, your father and I wouldn't take that sort of thing lying down. We're far too competitive."

5) Saturday night's dinner was a tasty affair - local smoked trout and dry-aged pork.

Before:




After:


6) My cactus celebrates all the major holidays. What can I say? This fool succulent has stamina.

i don't hate it

Speaking of purchasing prints, I have resisted this one for a long time:


First off, the message seems far too too for me, if you know what I mean. I'm just not into that sort of heal yourself bullshit. Secondly, it has been featured in every home magazine and on every design blog, and I'm sure that it's already gathering dust in perkily decorated apartments the world over. And yet... There's just something about it that I love.

Here's a bit on the poster's history, from http://www.barterbooks.co.uk:

"In the Spring of 1939, with war against Germany all but inevitable, the British Government's Ministry of Information commissioned a series of propaganda posters to be distributed throughout the country at the onset of hostilities. It was feared that in the early months of the war Britain would be subjected to gas attacks, heavy bombing raids and even invasion... The intent of the poster was to convey a message from the King to his people, to assure them that 'all necessary measures to defend the nation were being taken', and to stress an 'attitude of mind' rather than a specific aim."

Let's get this straight. The Nazis are gearing up to f*ck the British eight ways to Sunday, and the King comforts his citizens thus: "Right-o! We may be facing a spot of bother with some bloody rude Germans, but the important thing to remember is not to get too chuffed. Chin up!"

THAT is what I love about this poster. It is not the breathe-deeply-and-respect-your-inner-boundaries tripe of modernity; rather, it is a testament to all things completely, ridiculously, and fabulously inadequate. The next time something horrendous happens - say, for instance, you are being crushed by your ceiling and your giant, naked upstairs neighbors, and you're trying to dial 911 with your single unbroken tooth - take heart! Triumph over any situation simply requires your placid perseverance. At least you've finally gotten to meet the neighbors! Stop sniveling and buck up, sport-o!

My copy should arrive next week. I can't wait.

The Big Bang

About once a month, we're awakened by the amorous activities of our upstairs neighbors. I haven't met them, but judging from their thunderous love, I imagine that she delivers refrigerators without a dolly and he mixes cement with his penis for a living. You know how in Jurassic park people can tell when the T-Rex is approaching because the water in their glasses starts to quiver? Well, that's how we know they're getting down to business time. Then the whole building starts to tremble, and we're transfixed by our undulating ceiling for the next 27 minutes. I don't know where they found a giant, squeaking, spring-loaded metal bed frame, but they did, and I guarantee that they have knocked its traumatized headboard through the plaster and driven its quaking legs at least half an inch into the hardwood. Good for them.

In other news, we had a little bit of wine and a litte bit of rye this evening. Yaymen.