n.o.c. just read the previous post (after working a twelve-hour day, mind you) and said, "Yeah, it's great, in a self-indulgent, I-just-sat-on-the-couch-all-day sort of way. I mean, it takes sand to make a pearl, and it just sounds like you don't have any sand." This was after I cooked him fried catfish and brought him two cocktails, mind you.
F*cktard, you're lucky I love you.
Showing posts with label f*cktards. Show all posts
Showing posts with label f*cktards. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Remarkably Well
This week has just been dripping with idiots, and I'm amazed that I've refrained from doing anything criminal. But, I'm about to P90X with my fuzzy little man-peach, and then we're cocktail bound. That's right, I'm excited about P90Xing; the week was that shitty.
I did, however, discover my new favorite response. When some bovine, mouth-breathing idiot asks you how you're doing, smile beatifically and say, "Remarkably well." You needn't even follow it up with "considering how much sh*t everyone around you is forced to endure - I mean it f*cking gushes from your mouth every time you draw a f*cking breath - it's f*cking remarkable that I'm able to look at you without bursting a vein in my forehead. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" Nope, just leave it all implied... Much more powerful that way.
In other, disturbing news, n.o.c. just emptied the vacuum, and I am amazed that any hair is left on my head.
I did, however, discover my new favorite response. When some bovine, mouth-breathing idiot asks you how you're doing, smile beatifically and say, "Remarkably well." You needn't even follow it up with "considering how much sh*t everyone around you is forced to endure - I mean it f*cking gushes from your mouth every time you draw a f*cking breath - it's f*cking remarkable that I'm able to look at you without bursting a vein in my forehead. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" Nope, just leave it all implied... Much more powerful that way.
In other, disturbing news, n.o.c. just emptied the vacuum, and I am amazed that any hair is left on my head.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Hate
Here were the highlights of today's meeting:
- Gotcha! Moments
- Affinity Groups
- Feedback
- Sharing
- Journaling
- Small-group work
- Leaning into discomfort!
- Revealing ourselves to others!
- Self-revelation sharing
Friday, February 20, 2009
sour grapes
I miss my old liquor store; they always described their wines in vivid and compelling ways. "Tastes like grape jelly." "One evening, I drank four bottles by myself." "Good with bacon." "Will get you laid."
I think of this because I've just returned from a wine shop here. The sales boy - I say "boy" because he could not have been more than twentyf*ckingtwo - managed to be simultaneously obsequious and condescending, which made me want to do violent things. Here's a snippet of our conversation:
Him: You look like a lady in need of my assistance! Choosing a good wine can be overwhelming, and, since we don't sell anything that comes in a box or with a handle, I can understand that you might be confused.
Me: Well, I'm looking for a wine we had last night... It was French. A grenache something or other."
Him: It was probably a grenache-shiraz from Australia.
Me: No, it definitely wasn't from Australia, and I don't really care for shiraz.
Him: Right. Why don't you taste this Australian grenache-shiraz. I'm sure it's very similar to the one you enjoyed.
Me: Keri likes free booze.
(He pours a glass for me and one for himself)
Him: slurrrrrrp. ftttt-ftttt-ftttt. garglegarglegargle. Mmmmm, this wine really features the softness of the grape. Very nice body.
Me: Bleech! Yack! Plah! This bilge tastes like batteries! It just burned off my taste buds!
Him: You've got quite the palate! You're referring to what we call the acid of the wine - technical term. Is this not just what you enjoyed last night?!
Me: This is urine.
Him: Aren't you funny! It's ninety percent shiraz, so the acid is very bright. Can I interest you in a case?
F*cktard.
In an effort to make myself feel more sophisticated, I may have gone overboard with my purchase of forty-seven stems of pussy willow. Now the apartment is simply rife with double entendre.
I think of this because I've just returned from a wine shop here. The sales boy - I say "boy" because he could not have been more than twentyf*ckingtwo - managed to be simultaneously obsequious and condescending, which made me want to do violent things. Here's a snippet of our conversation:
Him: You look like a lady in need of my assistance! Choosing a good wine can be overwhelming, and, since we don't sell anything that comes in a box or with a handle, I can understand that you might be confused.
Me: Well, I'm looking for a wine we had last night... It was French. A grenache something or other."
Him: It was probably a grenache-shiraz from Australia.
Me: No, it definitely wasn't from Australia, and I don't really care for shiraz.
Him: Right. Why don't you taste this Australian grenache-shiraz. I'm sure it's very similar to the one you enjoyed.
Me: Keri likes free booze.
(He pours a glass for me and one for himself)
Him: slurrrrrrp. ftttt-ftttt-ftttt. garglegarglegargle. Mmmmm, this wine really features the softness of the grape. Very nice body.
Me: Bleech! Yack! Plah! This bilge tastes like batteries! It just burned off my taste buds!
Him: You've got quite the palate! You're referring to what we call the acid of the wine - technical term. Is this not just what you enjoyed last night?!
Me: This is urine.
Him: Aren't you funny! It's ninety percent shiraz, so the acid is very bright. Can I interest you in a case?
F*cktard.
In an effort to make myself feel more sophisticated, I may have gone overboard with my purchase of forty-seven stems of pussy willow. Now the apartment is simply rife with double entendre.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
On a going-forward basis
n.o.c. and I are a little delicate this morning (as Auntie Mame would say, Mommy's hung), but I'm also recovering from yesterday's professional development bof*ckingnanza. Corporate speak makes me murderous, and I feel the need to air a few grievances. I refuse to "reach out" to anyone. I will not "circle back" or "close the loop." I will take no "action steps," and I will pay no mind to our "dotted-line relationship." What the f*ck do people mean by saying these things? Do they think they're being more clear? Clever? Inventive?
I am going to take my tender head out into the world, and I WILL have happy, dammit, but NOT on a going-forward basis.
And happy valentine's day. I'm giving n.o.c. a fistful of Advil.
I am going to take my tender head out into the world, and I WILL have happy, dammit, but NOT on a going-forward basis.
And happy valentine's day. I'm giving n.o.c. a fistful of Advil.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
