Friday, February 20, 2009

sour grapes

I miss my old liquor store; they always described their wines in vivid and compelling ways. "Tastes like grape jelly." "One evening, I drank four bottles by myself." "Good with bacon." "Will get you laid."

I think of this because I've just returned from a wine shop here. The sales boy - I say "boy" because he could not have been more than twentyf*ckingtwo - managed to be simultaneously obsequious and condescending, which made me want to do violent things. Here's a snippet of our conversation:

Him: You look like a lady in need of my assistance! Choosing a good wine can be overwhelming, and, since we don't sell anything that comes in a box or with a handle, I can understand that you might be confused.
Me: Well, I'm looking for a wine we had last night... It was French. A grenache something or other."
Him: It was probably a grenache-shiraz from Australia.
Me: No, it definitely wasn't from Australia, and I don't really care for shiraz.
Him: Right. Why don't you taste this Australian grenache-shiraz. I'm sure it's very similar to the one you enjoyed.
Me: Keri likes free booze.
(He pours a glass for me and one for himself)
Him: slurrrrrrp. ftttt-ftttt-ftttt. garglegarglegargle. Mmmmm, this wine really features the softness of the grape. Very nice body.
Me: Bleech! Yack! Plah! This bilge tastes like batteries! It just burned off my taste buds!
Him: You've got quite the palate! You're referring to what we call the acid of the wine - technical term. Is this not just what you enjoyed last night?!
Me: This is urine.
Him: Aren't you funny! It's ninety percent shiraz, so the acid is very bright. Can I interest you in a case?


In an effort to make myself feel more sophisticated, I may have gone overboard with my purchase of forty-seven stems of pussy willow. Now the apartment is simply rife with double entendre.


ellie bee said...

gitl, why are you not syndicated? the whole world needs to enjoy your richness with words...I love you!

DC said...

Dale said he laughed til he cried yesterday...he'll love this...syndication would be good...pursue pursue....

Martini said...

I love it! I'm guaranteed a chuckle each time I read your blog!