The Rog-isms, part I

I am from the South. The deeeeeep South. How deep, you ask? Let's just say that I knew what the bole weevil was before I knew that states existed north of Virginia. When I'm away from the South, I can get quite nostalgic. Not for the South, exactly, but for the South as I imagine it - a quiet, dusty place filled with gentleman drunks and women who know how to perspire with dignity. The real South, the modern South, bears little resemblance to my imaginings. For example, my trips home inevitably begin with a stop at one of the forty-seven Super Walmarts littering the short stretch of interstate between the airport and my parents' home. Once inside a Super Walmart, I will inevitably witness a haggard woman screaming sloppily at her brood of snaggle-toothed children because they ate all the cheetos before she had any. She will then throw the empty bag on the floor, because it is nonsensical to pay for an empty bag. I'm not being snarky; I have seen this happen.

BUT, if I can weather the sprawl of the mega-stores and the charms of their patrons, I will eventually arrive at my parents' home, where porch swings and southern charm can be found in abundance. And it is here that I'm privy to one of the South's true delights - southern aphorisms by way of my father, whom we call The Rog (pronounced: Rodge). The Rog has the best one-liners - always spot-on, delivered with panache and aplomb. Here's a shot of me (terrible) and The Rog dancing in the woods, drinks in hand. We are a talented people.

The Rog-isms, part I

• Shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach seed. (He uses this to great effect in mixed company.)



• Grinning like a possum eating shit out a broke fruit jar. (I'm not clear why this makes the possum happy, just know that it does. Also know that the preposition "of" is unnecessary.)



• Like a greasy string out a cow's butt. (An unsettling way to describe ease or speed.)



• Like a rat on a cheeto. (Denotes enthusiasm. I have now mentioned cheetos more than once in a post. What does this say about me?)



• Man, it's dry. If you took all the rain we got, turned it into gasoline and put it into a pissant's motorcycle, he wouldn't make it half-way 'round a BB. (He delivered this flawlessly. It was incredible.)

Use these as you will. They are best said after a few cocktails and with a bit of a drawl.