She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.

Since I just returned from a halcyon week in the South with a whole slew of fabulous people, one might think that I'd be peaceful and nourished and rejuvenated - but perhaps one would only think that if one didn't know me.

Here's the thing. Most of the fabulous people I spent the week with are really into their occupations - their grad programs, their careers, etc. I am not. Now, don't misunderstand me - I love what I do outside of work, and I'm very excited about what I will be doing, but currently, I'm just showing up for a paycheck. I keep my eyes open, I bare my teeth in what I hope looks like a smile, I do a day's work in 2.5 hours, and then I try to pass the time without getting fired. I have done this with every job I've had since leaving grad school.

I know that what I'm about to admit is whiny and mealy-mouthed and privileged and probably indicative of a weak mind. In fact, I'm sure that some of you will tell me to go put on my big girl panties and buck the f*ck up. I take your point; my life is really nice. Nonetheless, the simple truth is that I am my primary interest. When anything other than n.o.c., or my family, or my friends takes me away from that, then I become bored and murderous and a little hysterical. I know that millions of good folks spend their lives toiling away at sh*ttier jobs than I can imagine, and I know that many of them make the best of it, but I am simply not that admirable a person. And I bet you thought this post would be about the beach.

Anyway, we think we may have found some ambergris. It's either that, or some really disgusting, stinky sea funk with a booger-like consistency. What do you think?

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Only four measly classes stand between me and a little vacation with my favorite New Englanders. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

And then, dear readers, only five full weeks of classes remain! No more teachers, no more textbooks, no more children to whom I am forced to give dirty looks!

hooked on phonics

"Funkshawed"

I believe the little dear was trying to spell feng shui, which we don't even discuss.

customer service

On Saturday, we made a quick trip to another local liquor store. Though their selection is a little spotty, they're much less annoying than the folks at this shop. Also, their advertising methods seem to speak to a range of consumers:

The high-brow:

And the not-so-much:

They also get points for employing humor effectively:

Daffodilled

This is what you shall do: Make wonderful friends. Give these friends a set of keys to your house. Come home to find these:
Grown in our friends' back yard, these beauties were. I tell you, there is no better way to end a hard week than to find a bunch of daffodils waiting for you on your dining room table. I wish I'd paid for the olfactory blog upgrade - smells just like spring up in here.

And, lo and behold, the sun is shining. All things considered, this morning - with its blue skies and surprise daffodils - is nearly enough to make me a goose of an optimist, waxing on about beauty and light and possibility. Nearly enough, dear reader. Fear not.

AND THE NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING IT ON RIGHT THIS MINUTE - 9:24!!!! The day is indeed perfect!!! The ceiling shakes and the sun shines and the flowers flower!! F*ck it - people are fundamentally good! Children are our precious future! The universe is unfolding as it should! Free-range, organic meats are cruelty free and should be eaten with abandon! Bacon does not clog the arteries! Most people age gracefully! I look better ten pounds heavier! I enjoy listening to the insights of over-privileged children! I don't mind that you didn't use your turn signal! It is sort of fun to be a little bit poor!

rain, rain

Here we are, well into Spring, and nary a sunbeam to show for it. Sucks. In fact, it's been such a long, dreary week, that I've begun to do things I generally avoid. Falling asleep during class, for one. Few things are more jarring than waking to the whine of, "Ms. C---, is it only Judaisms who have a foreskin?"

Have you ever thought about what life would be like if you said exactly what you thought every moment of the day? I would be jobless. And friendless. And single.

a half dozen

1) Limiting our alcohol intake has contributed neither to the great reducing nor to our mood in general. We're done with that shit.

2) P90Xing will give you calves the size of footballs. You won't be able to wear boots or skinny jeans, but you will be able to lift the car with the strength of your calves should the need arise.

3) Being a spectator at a middle and high school poetry recitation is a mixed bag. If you can get past the pain, you can find some funny.

4) My mother witnessed our very loud upstairs neighbors. After staring at the ceiling for a while, she cocked an eyebrow and quipped, "You know, your father and I wouldn't take that sort of thing lying down. We're far too competitive."

5) Saturday night's dinner was a tasty affair - local smoked trout and dry-aged pork.

Before:




After:


6) My cactus celebrates all the major holidays. What can I say? This fool succulent has stamina.