Thursday, March 5, 2009

wheat berries

We're still without internets. It blows, but we just pretend that we live in olden times. We turn off the heat, read our kindles by candlelight, eat rancid meat, and shove greasy rags in the chinks around the door. We've also stopped bathing and brushing our teeth so that we really feel authentic.

In other news, we have a new-found fascination with the wheat berry. (WAIT! Keep reading!) Cook it in the rice cooker, top it with a poached egg, or maybe a little peanut butter and honey, and damn! - you've got yourself a breakfast that is HAR-TAY. Now, if it were merely a hearty breakfast, I wouldn't bother sharing; I'm here to laud other, lesser known properties of the wheat berry.

Wheat berries include every bit of the wheat seed - endosperm, bran, germ, teeth, trachea, ex-boyfriends, running shoes, etc. - so they are very healthy and really f*cking chewy. Half way through a bowl, n.o.c. typically says something like, "I have a cramp in my jaw. It would be easier to chew erasers." Suck it up, p*ssy. Your jawline will look like Johnny Depp's in no time.

Though wheat berries only have four grams of fiber per half cup, you'll also receive emails like this throughout the day:

Something to those wheat berries. I just turned myself inside out.

So, they also add a bit of spice to what could otherwise be an uneventful day of ordinary bowel movements.

Well, that's the end of my paean to the wheat berry. I must now turn my attention to a pile of papers that say things like, "Throughout the years of religion in China, many religious leaders have come along." No sh*t, Sherlock.


megan said...

You know, I've actually been thinking about wheatberries since you left me that comment about them the other day. They sound all intriguing, and I like the idea that I can have them with peanut butter and honey and still consider them good for me.

Also, I'd love to read your comments on papers. I don't even know how you handle that shit. When I was in high school and taking independent study art, my advisor would sometimes make me grade papers for her incoming students. I'd leave comments like "you're smoking your talent away, man. check minus."

ellie bee said...

Gotta get me some...

OliverDarrow said...

many religious leaders have come along? really???
you should write a. gore and ask him to help you with your internets problem.